


Never a Christmas so Blue

by NightmareSparklePony



Series: Ghosts of Christmas' Past [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Feels, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Christmas Eve, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, POV First Person, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-21 18:33:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17048411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightmareSparklePony/pseuds/NightmareSparklePony
Summary: Last year Steve thought he'd found his best friend/love of his life only to lose him. This year he's lonely, bitter, and determined to be drunk through New Years thanks to his friend Thor. Will a simple Christmas card improve his spirits?





	1. Brooklyn

2015

My face hurts from the smiling. I keep telling myself it was for a good cause. Kids in the hospital over Christmas deserve a special visit from Captain America. As soon as I hit the private elevator at the newly re-christened Stark Tower, I drop the facade. I would have preferred to stay at Avenger's Headquarters but Wanda insisted I come here with her for Christmas. This would be her first without her brother and I know from experience how tough it can be to be alone on Christmas. When I get to the common area I see that Tony and Wanda are sitting by the fake fire sipping eggnog. I try to sneak past them but Tony catches me.

“There he is. The hero to all good little boys and girls,” Tony says lifting his glass. His words are slurred so he must have been drinking all evening. “If you're not careful, you'll steal Santa's job.”

Wanda waves me over to the couch. “Come. Sit down, Steve.”

“Thanks, Wanda. I'm beat,” I reply as I plaster that damn smile back on my face. “Think I'll just head to bed.”

“You might want to take that with you,” Tony says indicating a bottle of green liquid on the counter. “Thor said to give it to you tonight. I'm a little jealous, he didn't get me anything.”

_Hope this does the trick, Thor,_ the note reads. We had been drunk on this one night and I had told him about what happened last Christmas. How I had Bucky back, but had fucked everything up and scared him off. That all I wanted to do this year was drink until I passed out and wake up sometime in the New Year.

“Steve. What's wrong?” Wanda asked.

“He's just mopey because he misses his boyfriend,” slurs Tony.

I glare at him and say, “No. That would be you, Tony.” He had been depressed since Bruce disappeared even more than a close friendship would warrant. And I of all people would know.

Wanda looks confused. “Oh...I didn't know...”

“That Steve's best friend-slash-lover-slash-Hydra assassin left him on Christmas eve last year?” Tony says. “Steve, you really weren't even trying to hide it, were you?”

Figures Tony would know. He only appears to be oblivious most of the time. I'm not ashamed of what Bucky is to me, nor do I care about the public relation nightmare a gay, bi, or whatever label they'd put on me, Captain America might be but I don't want to put Bucky in any extra danger. It's bad enough that Hydra is out to reclaim him and the media leak has turned him into an international fugitive, but he would be in even more jeopardy if people found out he could be used against me. He always was my one weakness.

I'm surprised to see Pepper enter the room carrying a box of ornaments for the tree. I thought she and Tony were “taking a break”. “Steve, there's plenty of food and we could really use an hand.”

“Sorry. Not in much of a celebratory mood.” I grab the bottle and head to my room and mutter beneath my breath, “Merry Fucking Christmas.”

When I get to my apartment, I see there is a stack of mail sitting on the table. Most of it in childish handwriting, likely Christmas cards or Thank You notes from my young fans.

I was hoping to see one from Bruce. God, I missed him. He had been so good with Bucky from the moment Natasha brought him to The Tower. By the time I was out of the hospital, he had treated his injuries and was working to flush his system of all the drugs Hydra pumped into him. Sam had to practically tie me to the bed and I'm pretty sure he had them drug me to keep from escaping the hospital in Annapolis. Even though he repeatedly assured me that Bucky was safe, that Natasha had taken him to The Tower before the knowledge that he was not only still alive but the Winter Soldier had become public knowledge, I wasn't able to believe it until I saw him with my own eyes.

Despite my injuries and Sam's attempts to slow me down, I sprinted to the room where they were treating Bucky as soon as I got off the elevator. They had him in a glass containment room that was capable of holding anyone of the Avengers in the event it was needed. Tony was a realist when it came to threats of mind control and drugs that could turn anyone of us dangerous after what had happened to Clint. “Imagine if it was Thor or even Bruce that Loki had taken over,” he said when he had shown us the room. It also had everything one would need to medically treat patients so it was a good all purpose infirmary.

When I saw Bucky curled up on his side, fast asleep and safe, I was finally able to breath. My legs buckled and I would have fallen to the floor if not for Bruce and Sam catching me. “He's alive. He's really alive,” I whispered. Until the moment I saw him, I think I half believed it had all been a dream and Sam was just playing along to keep me in the hospital. But there he was, looking so young, so beautiful and peaceful. And safe. “Can I go in? See him?” I asked. What I really meant was touch him, feel the life in him.

“Let's give it a night, Steve,” Bruce said. “His memories are still confused and I don't know what his reaction will be. After all your last interaction was a fight.”

“No. Our last interaction was him dragging me out of the river, saving my life,” I responded. Ever the selfish bastard, I asked, “Has he asked about me? Wondered where I was?”

Bruce raked his fingers through his hair. “We've told him you were alive. That you would be OK, but from his reaction...”

“Does he still want to kill me? Think I'm his mission?” I rose from the chair to get a closer look through the glass and instantly became light headed.

“We've explained that he is no longer on mission,” Bruce explained. “He believes, just for the time being, that this is a part of Hydra.”

I didn't like acting as his handler but those first few months at The Tower it seemed to be the best way to communicate with him. Gradually he seemed to reclaim his memories and become more himself. Bucky was so convincing that after three months I took him back to my apartment and began rekindling our romance. I was such an idiot! I never suspected that my actions were causing Bucky to be in a constant state of fear and apprehension. There I was, kissing him good morning, even making out on the sofa with him like we never got to do as teenagers and he was just trying to get through it without be hurt. He would actually apologized every time he froze whenever I tried to touch him under his shirt. Stupid me, I just thought he was self conscious about his arm. At least I never pushed the issue like I would have before the war.

If it hadn't been for Bruce, Sam, and Nat I would have never gotten through this past year. I can remember clearly waking up last Christmas to discover that Bucky was missing. I remember seeing his backpack was gone from the front door then thought, of course, he would have taken it to his room. I was glad that he had recognized it belonged to him.

It was fairly early, so I decided to make us breakfast. All of Bucky's old favorites like pancakes and some his new ones as well. I still didn't understand his affection for Lucky Charms. Just before I went to wake him I remembered to take a small gift off of the tree. A ring was definitely an inappropriate gift at that point in our relationship. What a fool I had been to buy him that. What had I intended it to be anyway? At the time I bought it I had remembered that I had always wanted to give one to Bucky on Christmas Eve to symbolize our commitment. Would I have expected him to follow all of our traditions as well? I'd like to think I'm a better person than that.

I had finally realized the previous night the depth of Bucky's confusion. It broke my heart how desperate he was to find “Steve” and how forlorn he was at the thought he may have cheated on him. All I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms and hold him tight. But I had to put him first and to do that I was going to have to pretend I was someone else until he was able to remember. I was hopeful that after a night's sleep he would reset and I would be armed with the knowledge that he remembered me, he just didn't recognize me as I am now.

When I went to wake him, I found his room empty. Then I read the note on the bed and panic set in quickly. My poor Baby was out on the street, confused, with Hydra and law enforcement from almost every country after him. At least he wasn't defenseless I told myself. The first person I called was Bruce, hoping that he had gone back to The Tower. I called Nat next but she was over ten time zones away and all she could do was watch for anything on the intelligence channels that could be related to Bucky. Sam and I searched every place in Brooklyn that Bucky might remember. Most of them were now unrecognizable. Tony used his high tech gadgets to look at cameras on streets, train stations, and the docks without success. Bucky was truly like the ghost in Natasha's story of the Winter Soldier. It made me feel a little better thinking that if we couldn't find him, then perhaps no one else would either.

Then Natasha had given me the file warning, " Maybe you shouldn't pull on that string. You might not like what you find.”

She was right. I didn't like it. The brutal treatment, mind wipes, and torture that Bucky had endured gave me nightmares. The worst thing was the realization that they viewed him as an object and used him as such. The commanders and handlers were allowed to use him sexually as well as an assassin. It sickened me that he had allowed me to touch him intimately because he thought I was allowed to as his handler. Thank God, we didn't ever go too far. To be fair we might have if my actions hadn't caused him to become catatonic.

I was reveling in the feeling of having him in my arms again but I was being so very careful with him. Bucky had been a little shy between the sheets when we were younger because he was so afraid of being caught that he had difficulty relaxing. Me on the other hand, told for most my life I'd be lucky to reach thirty, lived my life at full throttle. I wanted to do everything, feel everything. After we moved in together, he relaxed into our relationship. Basically, I knew all the buttons to push to give pleasure to him because I had installed them. And I swear, all I wanted was for him to feel pleasure.

On Thanksgiving, I had a small dinner party. Just me, Natasha, Bruce, and Bucky. No one needed to ask me what I was thankful for this year. Now that I think back, Bucky was subdued and looked almost nervous at times. I credited that with having more than one extra person in the apartment. Now I realize he was remembering another dinner party. One the upper command had at Hydra. One of their sick parties where Bucky was served as dessert for their demented appetites.

When I found him in my bed, freshly showered and nude, I thought he was having a different memory. Not the right holiday, but definitely one of my fondest memories. So sure that he was remembering his leave on Christmas of 1942, that I immediately started reliving the moment in my mind.

***

I had just returned from my job at the drug store. Mr. Jenkins had stayed open late for those last minutes purchases. He let me pick out a bag of sweets from the candy case. Of course I got a variety of chocolate drops because they were Bucky's favorite. I was actually nervous about seeing Bucky again. He'd had a chance to meet new people and I couldn't imagine how he'd possibly still want me. At first, I thought he hadn't gotten home yet, but then I saw his bag with several presents sticking out of it.

I went into the bedroom expecting to chastise him for having his shoes on the bed when I saw him asleep with his wet hair on the pillow. He'd rolled over, pulling the covers under his chin and exposing his beautiful back to the top of his hip. As if it were just yesterday, I recalled thinking in that moment how lucky I was to have the most beautiful boy in the world in my bed. He rolled over and smiled sleepily when I sat on the bed beside him.

“What took you so long?” he asked huskily.

I was so tempted to push him down and take him in that moment but instead kissed him gently on the lips. “Welcome home, Baby.”

He smelled so fresh that when I moved I got a whiff of myself in contrast. “I'm going to take a shower. Don't move a muscle,” I ordered in a low voice and kissed his shoulder.

I've been reading a bit on psychology and it made me realize our sex life carried some darkness to it. We didn't know about negotiating limits or safe words. I felt Bucky's panic that he had cheated on me by being raped was entirely my fault. How often had I asked him if he'd fucked a girl on a date or allowed himself to be fucked while away at basic training? And the answer was always, “Only you Stevie.” It pleased me so much to hear him say that. He also let me gag him and tie his hands to the bed frame. Yeah, I did a real fine job softening him up for Hydra.

That night, after my shower, I returned to find Bucky exactly as I left him. Granted, he had fallen asleep. I straddled his back and whispered in his ear, “Have you fucked anyone since you've been gone?” He shook his head. “Let any of those G.I.'s fuck your tight ass?”

“No Stevie,” he replied breathlessly.

“Touch yourself?” I bit the area behind his ear which earned me a roll of his hips.

“You told me not to,” Bucky moaned. “Besides not a lot of privacy, you punk.”

“What do you want?” I pushed down the sheet and began sliding my cock between his cheeks. I had been taking care of myself regularly so my need was not as urgent. Bucky, on the other hand, was wound tight as a spring. Round one was not going to last very long.

“Anything,” he said, lifted his hips to try to capture my cock.

“Roll over,” I commanded. When he did, I kissed him passionately on the lips. Then worked my way down his body tasting every inch, but cruelly skipped his groin.

“Please, Stevie,” he panted. “Quit being such a tease. Either suck me or fuck me before I just do it myself.” I grabbed his hand that was reaching for his cock.

“If you don't behave, you won't get anything,” I warned. “Both hands on the bed frame.”

When he complied, I took him into my mouth. I'd always loved the taste of him and knew all the tricks to get him off fast. He flooded my mouth after only a few swirls of the tongue.

“God Stevie,” he said as I reached up to touch his hands, signaling that they were now free. He pulled me down for a kiss before wrapping his arms around me. “Where are my chocolates, punk?”

“Living room.” I made to get up but he held me tightly to his chest.

Bucky was different now. The layer of “baby fat” had faded away and the sculpted muscles beneath were now on display. A wave of inferiority passed over me. Bucky definitely deserved better than me.

“How's training?” I asked, trying not to sound as jealous as I felt.

“Hard,” he said. “Mostly a lot of marching.” I didn't find out until latter, that it was Bucky's top scores in marksmanship that earned him his Sergeants stripes.

“No time to go out and have any fun? Do some dancing?” Bucky loved to dance. It drove me nuts since I had two left feet and always ended up watching him cavort with some dame. There were places we could go to dance together, as well as other things, but Bucky refused to even entertain the idea saying it was too dangerous.

“Nah. Just beers with some of the guys.”

“But only beers, right?” I grinned. “Cuz that ass belongs to me.”

“Yeah, only you, Stevie,” he said pulling me into a kiss. “But if you aren't going to put it to good use...”

“Roll over,” I ordered. He did. “Hands and knees.” A slight tremor ran through him and intensified when I ran my hand down his spine.

I then began kissing and biting my way down his back and flanks. “I've been thinking bout what I'm going to do to you for months.”

“Yeah? Did you get yourself off just thinking of me.”

“You know it, Honey. Now no more talking. I don't want to hear a word until you beg me to fuck you.” Bucky grabbed a pillow to bury his face into to keep the noise down. Thinking back, he may have liked that, being told to stay quiet so he wouldn't be heard by our neighbors.

I then went to work kissing every inch of his skin, until he was dripping onto the sheet beneath him. Finally I reach up and parted his cheeks. He tensed slightly in anticipation, so I asked, “You OK Babe?”

“Yeah, Stevie. I'm good.” There was a time Bucky would never allow himself to be so exposed like that. He would need to be under the covers to even loosen his clothing enough for a decent hand job.

As I held him open I kissed his buttocks. Decided I had waited long enough, I went for my prize and licked a stripe over his hole. Bucky jumped and moaned into the pillow. I then went to work licking him and tonguing him, using my thumbs to help hold him open. He was shaking and bucking against me so much I wondered if I could get him to come just from me fucking him with my tongue. God I wished I could hear him without the pillow.

He gasped for air and whispered, “Steve. Please. Please. Please.”

“What do you want? Tell me what you want.”

“Please. I need to see you. I want....”

“Ssh, Baby,” I crooned into his ear before helping him roll onto his back. He was completely wrecked. His bottom lip was full and red from how hard he had been biting down on it and his hair was slicked back with sweat. Gently I kiss him. “This better?”

He nodded then groaned as I sunk two slicked fingers deep inside him. I'd taken him with less preparation in the past usually when we were short on time or lacking privacy. Bucky never complained, tended to go along with whatever I wanted, but he'd be quiet and shaky afterwards in a way that made me question if I hurt him. “How you doing? You still there?”

Even back then, long before the Hydra torture and brainwashing, Bucky would on occasion get lost while we were making love. I'm so fucking stupid not to realize that it was a problem. Instead I prided myself on my sexual prowess.

“It's good Steve,” Bucky replied with a grin.

I continued to kiss him while I worked him open, then backed off so I could watch his face while I pushed inside of him. The grimace on his face told me there was some pain and he was so tight, just like the first time so I went slow and stopped when I was fully seated inside.

“God, I love you, Baby,” I whispered as I brushed the hair from his eyes. His answer was to pull me down into a desperate kiss and I began to move. Wrapping his legs around my waist, he urged me deeper with each thrust. There was no way that the people in the apartment below us didn't know what we were doing with the bed moving in rhythm with us. Reaching down between us I gave his cock a couple firm strokes and he was spilling over my hand. I always loved watching Bucky come. His face was so filled with a look of wonder and awe which made me feel like the most important person in the world. Occasionally he scared the shit out of me by passing out. That night he stared right into my eyes as I rode him through his orgasm to my own completion.

“I love you, Stevie,” he whispered as he pulled me down to lay beside him. I gathered him into my arms and pulled the covers over us. I wonder if I had known that would be the last time we were together like that if I would have done anything different? Never letting him go and making a run for it would have been the only thing that would have saved us.

We fell asleep and when I woke up there was a cold spot in my bed where Bucky had been. I found him in the living room putting on his shoes. I'd thought maybe, just once, I could have him the whole night but he of course had to meet his family for Midnight Mass.

“Thought you were going to wake me up before you went, Buck,” I said startling him.

“I was. I was.” He kissed me. “Still have some time.”

He pulled me onto his lap, popped a chocolate drop into his mouth and kissed me. To this day I cannot eat chocolate without practically breaking into tears from thinking of Bucky. “You're coming over for Christmas, ain't you?”

“I'll be there. Wouldn't miss your Ma's cooking.” In reality, the only reason I was going was to see Bucky before he caught the train in the evening. He only had about 24 hours at home before traveling back to base. Before he had been drafted, I never went for Christmas on account of the dark looks I got from Bucky's father.

“You know, you could come to Mass with us, Steve,” Bucky said. My father had been Catholic but my mom had never been one for religion. She believed in God but had seen enough as a nurse to realize religion and faith were two very separate things.

“I'm pretty sure I'd burst into flames if I stepped foot into a church,” I said with a laugh. It wasn't so funny when I saw the guilty look on his face. Bucky always did struggle with his sexuality conflicting with the teachings of the church and the expectations of his family. If he hadn't gone to war, I'm sure he would have been roped into marrying one of the local girls to comply with his family's wishes and keep our relationship hidden.

“Well, I better get going,” he said as he stood. “I'll see you later.” He gave me a quick kiss on the lips before heading out the door with his sack of gifts.

I arrived at his folks house in time for breakfast only to discover Bucky had not come back with them, opting to stay back for confession. My stomach dropped when I heard that. Those priests always messed with Bucky's head whenever he confessed. He usually kept things pretty vague, but that made him feel guilty so either way he was a unsettled for days afterwards and I definitely didn't get laid.

It was worse than usual. The church seemed empty except for Bucky who was kneeling on the marble floor in front of the alter repeating the “Hail Mary” as if in a trance. When I reached him, his skin was cold.

“Buck. Buck,” I whispered loudly then patted him on the cheek. Finally, he blinked.

“Steve?...What are you doing here, Stevie?”

I helped him stand up then over to sit on a bench. “You were going to miss breakfast. You been here the whole time?”

He nodded and whispered, “Am I done? I lost track.” His eyes were so unfocussed, reminiscent of those pictures I'd seen of the Winter Soldier while they were prepping him.

“Let's get breakfast,” I said as I let him out the door. “Your family's waiting.”

He was quiet most the day and refused to let me take him to the train, opting instead to have his father walk with him. When he came back after training, before he shipped out, he went to live with his parents. I'd barely seen him before he came to take me out the night before he left. Flirting with girls was something he had done before, but he had never been serious about it. Now it was almost as if a switch had flipped and he was a completely different person. After leaving him at the Expo, I didn't see him again until I found him strapped to the table in Azzano. There were no letters between us and because my status as Captain America was a secret, I couldn't even get any news from his sister. We would have never seen each other again if I had not rescued him from that prison.

***

That is what I thought was on his mind when I saw him in bed as if he were waiting for me. I remember actually thinking, if only for a very brief moment, that Bucky was ready to make love with me. I laid down beside him, puzzled by the sudden change in his behavior but willing to take things wherever he wanted them to go.

“Buck,” I said softly. “What's going on? Do want me to help you feel good? Oh Baby, I'll make it so good for you. Do anything you want me to do.” I ran my hand down his right arm from shoulder to wrist, puzzled by the coolness of the skin. He would have had to have taken a shower in water at the coldest setting to get it to that temperature.

A little whine escaped from the back of his throat and he started to hyperventilate. Suddenly realizing he was not having a pleasant memory, I sat up on the bed beside him and stroked his hair. “Ssh,” I whispered. “It's alright. I'm not going to hurt you.” Little did I know that The Winter Soldier was told this by many of his handlers. Some of them thought just because there was no physical harm done and their victim was compliant, that Bucky “enjoyed” being sexual assaulted. Pierce in particular would toy with Bucky's body until he elicited an orgasm. I burned those videos when I found them, despite the fact they were evidence of the torturous treatment The Winter Soldier had endured at the hands of Hydra. I hoped Bucky never remembered any of that, that the wipes burned it from his memory completely.

Try as I might, I couldn't get Bucky to snap out of his panic attack. His eyes were wide open, but he did not respond to anything, even a fairly hard smack across the face which I immediately regretted. The only thing I could do was get him dressed then call for an emergency evac to The Tower. Bruce sedated him to stop the hyperventilation, but then he didn't wake up after it had passed through his system.

“It's like he put himself into a self-induced coma,” Bruce said, while checking all his vitals. “This shouldn't be happening!” But it was and he didn't wake up for almost a month. I was shocked when I found his journal in the bed-side table. But most heartbreaking was the note on it telling him to “open” and “read”. Honestly I was mad at Bucky when I came back to The Tower, but furious at myself. That I had missed all the signs he didn't remember, that he couldn't trust me and I didn't deserve his trust. We should have never left. I had been selfish to think all he needed to heal was my love and it it could cost his him freedom or even his life.

For months we heard nothing. I spent my time pouring over the files Nat had obtained for me and the copies of Bucky's journal I'd made before handing it over to him. Bruce had given me Hell for making it. Said it was a violation of privacy and if Bucky found out he may not ever trust me again.

“I'll worry about that bridge when I find him,” I told him. As long as I knew Bucky was safe he could hate me forever.

Then suspected Hydra bases started to be raided. There were glimpses on one of the recovered security cameras we showing Bucky in full Winter Soldier attire. My heart sank at the prospect that he had completely reverted back and he was once again someones pawn. It had been Natasha that made me see that is was not organized like it would be if he was being controlled but that this was his “revenge tour.” I had decided to re-double our efforts when Tony had unleashed Ultron.

I resume looking at the mail and suddenly one catches my attention. It's heavy and the handwriting is beautiful. They don't teach penmanship like that anymore so I suspect it is from one of my older fans. I get several letters a year thanking me for saving a father, uncle, or brother during the war.

When I open the card, I see it is a depiction of London glittering with snow. Before I can open it a post office key falls to the floor. My pulse quickens when I read the note on the card.

 


	2. London

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is reminiscing about past holidays with Bucky when an interesting piece of mail catches his eye. Will it pick up his Christmas Spirit?
> 
> I resume looking at the mail and suddenly one catches my attention. It's heavy and the handwriting is beautiful. They don't teach penmanship like that anymore so I suspect it is from one of my older fans. I get several letters a year thanking me for saving a father, uncle, or brother during the war.
> 
> When I open the card, I see it is a depiction of London glittering with snow. Before I can open it a post office key falls to the floor. My pulse quickens when I read the note on the card.

I resume looking at the mail and suddenly one catches my attention. It's heavy and the handwriting is beautiful. They don't teach penmanship like that anymore so I suspect it is from one of my older fans. I get several letters a year thanking me for saving a father, uncle, or brother during the war.

When I open the card, I see it is a depiction of London glittering with snow. Before I can open it a post office key falls to the floor. My pulse quickens when I read the note on the card.

**_Dear Steve,_ **

**_Merry Christmas. I hope you are having a Happy Holiday. This card reminds me of the Christmas we spent in London._ **

**_JBB_ **

Oh, Thank God. He's alright. I grab my jacket and race towards the elevator. Thanks to Natasha's training, I know the post office he will have chosen. The one across from Grand Central Station allows someone to simply be another face in the crowd. “That's the mistake inexperience people make,” she had told me. “They think it is safer in a smaller, out of the way place. People pay more attention to new or different people there.” I find the mail box and quickly opened. There was thick envelope inside. I took a breath, then tore it open.

**_Dear Steve,_ **

**_Looks like I really did take the “stupid with me” this time. Ran off to find the person I had been with rooming with for months. In my defense, I do have brain damage._ **

I grinned like an idiot. Bucky remembered me. Not just as little Steve Rogers but as myself as I am now. Knowing that this was a letter to read in private I hurried back to the Tower before reading further. I'm sure people were wondering what the emergency was seeing me run through the streets of New York.

 _I **t's better now, but back then I would go days at a time knowing who I was, where I was going, and having a plan to get there, then wham....next thing I know I've lost days and am in a strange location. My journal told me I started to DC early Christmas morning-sorry about that by the way. That was a real jerk move on my part, I know.**_  

So that's where he went. Sam and I had looked all over Brooklyn in the days after Bucky disappeared thinking that was what he meant when he said he had to “start over from the beginning.” We then went to Italy, Germany, even into the Alps trying to locate where he might have fallen. Never occurred to me he would go back to where he first started to have memories.

**_Still, it was a real break through for me-remembering Steve-well you. It gave me a purpose, some direction, and a reason to fight, if not for myself, to fulfill that promise I made to you. Making it back to you gave me a self assigned mission._ **

 Then finish your mission, I can't help but think. Come back to me, Baby.

**_I walked until I found a truck stop and hitched a ride with a truck driver. Big mistake. We were almost to the city when he pulled into a deserted rest stop. He told me I had a pretty mouth and grabbed me by the hair. Said I needed to pay my way. I remember reaching for cash and the last directive given to me by my handler, “You decide who can touch you and how they can touch you.”_ _I didn't want him to touch me. Still can't handle the thought of being touched by anyone. Sorry. Then everything is blank so I don't know what happened after that. Either I complied or got away. Maybe I killed him. I just don't know._**

I get up to walk around the apartment. I want to break something. We were watching for killings in the area, but a truck driver outside of DC was not on the list so it was unlikely Bucky killed him. The bottle from Thor is opened and I take a swig straight from the bottle.

**_Next thing I remember is standing in the middle of a house in Alexandria. Pierces's house. I'd been there more than once. Last time was horrible-he made me dig a hole in the back yard to bury his maid. He told me it was my fault. That I was careless. I don't remember killing her. She seemed nice._ **

**_I remembered her from another visit to the house, but I was not the Winter Soldier. Pierce had me over for a weekend, but I was disguised as one of his grad students from UV. She was leaving when I was coming in but had left coffee and some cookies. The only reason I got to enjoy one was because she was still finishing up and Pierce let me to keep up my cover. It felt good, but strange. I think one of my memories was triggered-one of a short, stout, woman with a gentle smile-because the weekend was difficult for me. I was not as “compliant” as Pierce liked me to be. He made sure I was punished for it when I returned to base._ **

Oh God, Bucky remembered his mother. All this time he was on the edge of becoming himself and would be punished for it. No wonder his first reaction was fear and panic when I started prodding those memories during our fight on the hellicarrier.

**_After the burial, he made me shower and used me. That was the real reason he had called me in that night. There was no other reason to call me to his house late at night! An instruction or order did not need to be directed by him in his bathrobe. Afterwards he told me, “one more mission and then you can rest” and that he would “miss me.” He seemed sad. I think you saved me in more ways than one. If Project Insight had succeeded there would have been no more need for The Asset._ **

It scared me to think that Bucky would have been eliminated after Project Insight, but more likely they would have used him in other ways. Pierce would have loved that. Using Bucky as his personal body slave would be even more appealing after he discovered his identity and who he was to me. Videos of them using his healing abilities to play their sadistic games made me think Bucky's fate would have been far uglier than a bullet to the brain.

**_Next I found myself in the underground vault where they prepped me in DC. From the looks of it, I'd been there awhile tearing the place apart. The chair was completely destroyed. It was at this bunker that I realized what a resource they could be to me, not only for information but for supplies and money. I was rummaging through some clothing in a locker when I found a flyer for the exhibit at the Smithsonian. Who'd have thought little Stevie Rogers would end up with his punk ass in a museum._ **

I smile. It was so like Bucky to find the museum exhibit funny. Something he'd never let me live down.

**_At the time, I didn't know it was you...well Steve you. But I thought it would be good to get more information on this Captain America character. I was fairly lucid when I entered the museum. When I saw the first part where they show your transformation, I thought I was going to be sick._ **

_**How could they have done that to you? Hurt you like that? For me it was a year long agony of changes in my muscles and bones, but I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to have it happen all at once.** _

So that's what had been going on with Bucky that year between his rescue and the fall from the train. He was so exhausted much the time and seemed uncomfortable in his own skin. I blamed his uncertainty over my own changes, never guessing he was going through the same thing on his own.

**_I guess my head just wasn't in a place to accept it and I lost myself when I got to the part where you ditched in the ocean. You stupid son of a bitch, doing something that dumb! I forgot to write anything down then had to wonder why I was keeping a picture of Captain America stuck in my journal. But the museum did spark memories of Peggy for me. I don't think you realized what a good friend she was to me. She thought it was funny that I was trying to get the two of you together all the while I was flirting with her myself. I was never jealous of her, I thought she was the person you deserved._ **

Oh Bucky, but I was in love with you. Peggy and I were no more than good friends when it came down to it. Of course I was flattered by her attention and who knows what would have happened if we'd all made it back home, especially since you had essentially cut me from your life.  

**_A little research helped me find Peggy and to my surprise she recognized me. Then she told me you were dead. That you had been killed saving the world. And I remembered you, the fight on the hellicarrier and convinced myself I had killed you._ **

No Baby, you saved me. In more ways than one. Since coming out of the ice, I'd just been going through the motions, doing the best I could to be of service...useful, but not really living. It wasn't until I saw you on that street that my heart felt like it was beating again. Once you remembered yourself, there was no way you'd ever hurt me.

**_I blamed Hydra for your death so made it my mission to hunt and destroy every base I could remember. And I know you've been following me, though sometimes I think I'm following you, from Hydra base to Hydra base. My brain is still trash though so sometimes it's hard for me to keep track of the difference between Steve Rogers and Captain America. At times I think I'm looking for Steve before I remember he is Captain America. Then I'll think one or both are dead. It was during research into Captain America that I stumbled onto what I thought was one of my old bases. It was called Azzano and the way I felt when I saw the name made me sure I was kept there._ **

No Baby. I never wanted you to discover that while you were alone. Didn't want you to remember that at all but my therapist has finally made me realize I'm not in control of what you need to heal. Just don't want you to go through it alone.

_**Well I guess you know what I found when I got there. Not much. Well actually a lot. I had to dig myself into it. Down on the lower levels everything was pretty much still intact. The cells, the work station, the lab. At first I thought I remembered you being here with me. Not you as you are now, but how you were before the serum. Small, frail, helpless but also fearless. There was a young private with us...must have been around nineteen...who reminded me of you. He had a sweat heart back home he was going to marry. I remember telling him I also had a sweetheart I wanted to marry. I was talking about you punk in case you don't know. Even though it weren't possible then, I knew if I ever made it home I'd find a way for us to be together.** _

Buck. Yes Babe. We can be together now. Whatever...However you want.

**_For the first couple days I was back, I was convinced he was you. That you had been captured with me. That you had died here because I was too week to fight them off again...I swear I would have had it been you. Would had died before I let those animals touch you._ **

I realize I'm holding my breath. Though he never was able to tell me, I had guessed more than torture and experimentation had occurred in Azzano. If only I'd known of the serum, known there was a chance he was still alive at the bottom of the canyon...I force myself to continue reading.

**_We had heard the stories. Of the men taken away who were too sick to work in the factory. The ones who never returned. But there were other stories of the young and beautiful boys who were taken only to be returned battered and broken. It wasn't long before they came for the young private. Your stupid must have rubbed off on me because of course I fought them off of him. When they grabbed me instead, I reasoned it for the best. At least I had been touched by a hand that loved me. Knew what love was supposed to feel like. Thought it would be alright because I knew what to expect. That it wouldn't be as bad for me as it would be for him. Like I said. Stupid._ **

Bucky, you always thought it was me who stood up for the weak and helpless, but I was only just trying to live up to your example. You're the one who stood up for me in the school yard and whenever I got myself in trouble. I only hope if I had been there, even before the serum, I would have protected you from that. Pissed them off so much they had no choice but to take me instead.

_**I hadn't planned to fight. At that point I didn't figure on getting out of there alive. I just was hoping you would forgive me for giving myself to them. That by saving the young private you would understand what happened.** _

“Nothing to forgive, Baby.” A tear splashed down and hit the page. “They took. You never gave. Not to them. Not to Rumlow or Pierce or those other Hydra pieces of shit.” I wished Bucky was here. I need to hold him in my arms, tell him he's perfect, tell him nothing they did to him changes what he is to me. I know it's selfish, but damn it. After everything that he's been through, Bucky deserves to feel safe and loved. It is my fault he's out on his own, reliving his worse memories without a security net.

**_They had to start running their mouths. Telling me I was begging for it. That I was a whore. That I must miss getting my ass fucked. They wondered if my mother would still love me if she knew what a whore I was. At that point I lost it. Kind of like you did, Stevie, that time those fascist thugs were picking on the Weinstein kid. But there were too many hands. Beating me. Tearing at me. I don't remember much past the first one. I had never felt pain like that before. Only when they took my arm was it worse. Like being torn in half. I hated myself for it. Thinking that this wouldn't make a difference. That I could handle this. All I could think was that you were not the only one any more. And I had promised you....I would die with that on my conscious. That I had betrayed you. Even if by some miracle I made it home, that I could never be with you again. I was too dirty. Poisoned._ **

I had to set the letter down before running to the toilet to empty my guts. If only I hadn't been so self impressed with myself for rescuing the battalion, I might have noticed how bad off Bucky really was. He should have gone home, but I wanted him with me. I told myself he had a choice but he had taken on the role of my protector when we were still in short pants and he would never shirk that duty, even if his life depended upon it. Turns out it did. He should have been back home, getting fat off his mothers cooking, instead of falling from a train. I opened the Asgardian mead and took a long drink before continuing.

 ** _No one had to ask what had happened when they threw me back into the cell. The private said nothing. Did nothing. Wouldn't even look at me he was so disgusted with me. Guess he figured he'd die before he'd let them. Dum Dum was the one who cleaned the cuts and bruises up. Wouldn't let him tend to anything else. After all what good would it do. A few days later, they came for the private. He yelled and screamed for me to do something but I just couldn't....He cursed me as a coward. So I had ruined myself of for nothing. Dum Dum told me they would have come for me next but I didn't believe him. That it was only ugly mugs like him who were safe. I felt so ugly and dirty. Knew you'd never want me again._**  

I felt anger at that long dead private. I felt anger at Dum Dum for never telling me Bucky had be raped. Poor Bucky still can't even use the word. Mostly I'm angry at myself for not seeing it. How protective Dum Dum was of “Sarge” and suspicious of my intentions towards Bucky. He was so pissed at me when he found out Bucky was joining the Howling Commandos. Took a swing at me and told me if I cared for him a lick, Bucky would be on the first boat to Brooklyn. Bucky had broken the fight up saying it was his choice and he wasn't going to let me go into battle without him watching my back. Because I was too stupid to stay out of the war, he had to make sure I went home. He also reminded Dum Dum all of them would be dead if it wasn't for me. Still fighting my battles for me.

 _ **The private never returned so he must have been true to his word of dying rather than giving in. I remember becoming feverish and having Dum Dum hold me up until we could get to our positions at the factory. But we couldn't keep the ruse going after I collapsed on the way back to our cells. That's when Zola's men came for me. Don't remember much until you showed up-all my memories of Zola are all jumbled together. Really thought I had died at first. Sorry I was such a pain on the way back, but the thought of you touching me, being contaminated by me was sickening. Then when I saw the way Peggy looked at you, I knew it was for the best that you wouldn't be held back by me any more. You could be the man you always should have been.** _ 

Oh Bucky. It was never like that with me and Peggy. I tried because I did like her and I was stupid and hurt that you no longer wanted anything to do with me. Thought you'd finally woken up and decided you deserved more than I could ever offer you. And if I made you feel “invisible” that was just me being childish and jealous. Maybe getting back at you a bit for all those times you flirted and danced with the neighborhood girls. God. I'm stupid. You were barely hanging on and I was only thinking of myself and my own personal glory. “Look at the great Steve Rogers. The man who saved a whole battalion. The man who was going to win the war.”

_**A few days after Azzano, I found myself in London. It's like that for me. One day I'll be somewhere, completely myself, and the next thing I know days, sometimes weeks, have passed and I'm in an entirely new location. Sometimes I wonder how he knows where to go, but it seems to always be the right place at the right time. Often I need to check my journal to remember what I was doing or where I had been planning to go. Sometimes the entries are in Russian. Sometimes I don't remember writing them.**_

A chill runs through me. The thought of what could happen to Bucky when the Winter Soldier was in control is frightening. The video shows a man who has very little control and no sense of self preservation.

**_What I remember of London was how tired I was, couldn't seem to get enough sleep but I needed to drink in order to keep the nightmares at bey. I felt invisible cause no one would look at me, especially Dum Dum. Sometimes I believed I had died and now was merely a ghost. You can deny all you want, Steve, but I know you were just as attracted to Peggy as she was to you. It's OK. I know you were only with me because you felt you couldn't do any better than your fairy best friend before you became Captain America. You should have taken that train to visit Peggy's family for Christmas that night._ **

I remember being at the train station with Peggy. Telling her I had to stay, that I couldn't leave you alone on Christmas. She had just smiled and said, “Of course you can't, Steve. I wouldn't expect anything less from you.” Peggy knew how much you meant to me even if unaware of the details of our relationship, after all she's the one who had helped me rescue you-seen that I was so desperate I would have walked if I that had been my only option.

 **_What happened. What I did to you that night. I can't even blame the alcohol because I wasn't that drunk yet when you knocked on my door. Couldn't believe you ditched that beautiful girl for me. Then I got mad thinking that you figured I was a sure thing and you'd have to act the gentleman with Peggy._** **_When I saw you, I just kind of snapped. Thought I'd show you something. Really figured you'd back down. Should have known better._ **

I remembered vividly, the shock in those beautiful blue eyes when Bucky opened the door to find me there. “What the Hell, Steve!” he said and went to slam the door, but I blocked it with my arm.

“Well come in then,” Bucky said bitterly as he stalked across the room. He was in his shorts and t-shirt which hid none of the bruising or thinness of his body. My intent had been to have some conversation, maybe share a drink, and give him the present I brought him.

“What are you doing here, Steve? You miss the train or something....maybe I should have gotten you a watch instead of this,” he said as he threw a small wrapped box at me.

“I just wanted to make sure you were OK. Didn't want you to spend Christmas alone, Ba...Bucky,” I said, more unsure of myself than I'd ever felt with anyone in my life.

“I'm fine. Or would be if you hadn't interrupted my evening.” He took a long drink and finished his glass of whiskey. “Sorry. Only have one glass.”

“It's OK. Doesn't do much of anything for me anymore,” I said, daring to take a step into room, but stopped when he gave me a sharp look.

“Oh....I get it. Peggy's a lady. And visiting her parents. You sure weren't getting laid this Christmas going with her.”

“No. Buck. That's not why I'm here. I just....”

“Wanted to see if I was OK. Yeah. Right, Stevie. You wanted to take that new body out for a spin and figure I'm a sure thing,” he said angrily. “It is tradition after all".

I was getting ready to turn and leave when Bucky rushed in, surprisingly fast. Before I could register what was happening, I was pushed against the wall and violently kissed. My body reacted immediately which caused Bucky to pull back and give me a knowing smirk. “So much for your honorable intentions.”

He pulled back when I reached for him again. “If you want this, it going to be my way,” he said.

“Always, Baby. Whatever you want,” I said grabbing his hands.

“Yeah. Right,” he said with sarcasm in his voice. “I've always been in control.”

When he said that, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The assumption that I had given Bucky choices was shattered. “What do you want then, Bucky?”

He pulled away, poured another glass of whiskey, then leaned against the dresser. “Take off your clothes. Let me get a look at what a million dollar body looks like.”

I hesitated, only because this was so different-he was different. Usually I had called the shots, made the demands but this change in Bucky was new and exciting. I felt the blood run to my cheeks as I unbuttoned my shirt and when I looked up at Bucky there was heat in his eyes. As much as he denied it, Bucky had always appreciated a well muscled physique. When we were at the gym back home, even as young boys, I would catch him stealing glances at the strong bodies working out beside us. One of the reasons I was so insecure in our relationship was because I would never measure up to what he really wanted.

“This is ridiculous,” he suddenly said as I started to unfasten my trousers. “We can't do this. Put your clothes back on.”

“Why not, Buck? We can be quiet. And the hotel's practically deserted anyway.”

If I'd only known what had happened to him, I wouldn't have pushed him. But that's what I always did when he was reticent. Pushed until he finally gave in to desire.

“Look. We don't have any lube...or condoms,” He said as he took a big gulp of alcohol.

“Condoms? Why would we need condoms?” I asked.

“Well I'm sure with the whole USO tour and the showgirls you would have...,” Bucky replied looking down at his socks.

“No, didn't touch a one. No guys either, Baby.”

“Oh,” he responded sounding a bit disappointed. “Well, I guess it's just me then.”

“Oh,” I said surprised. “Oh, OK.”

“It wasn't with a guy,” he said quickly. “We were in Paris and we went to a place, you know with booze and girls. I got drunk and there was this red head....”

“You always did like red heads,” I said with a grin. “Doesn't matter anyway. With this serum, I can't get sick. You can't give me anything even if you had it.” I never stopped to think that it would have been months ago that Bucky had been in Paris. Long enough for him to know if he had picked up a venereal disease. Poor Bucky was worried he'd been infected by those Hydra scum and didn't want to pass it on to me. Also he was scrambling for an excuse not to have sex with me but I wasn't about to let him off the hook so easily. I wonder if there had even been a red head in Paris.

“As for lube..,” I said with a grin and pull a tube from my pants pocket.

That flipped the switch for Bucky. There was anger mixed with the heat in his eyes as he rushed in and pushed me back on the bed. I eagerly accepted him but when I reached for him again, he pinned me with a gaze and demanded, “No. Keep them here.” He placed my hands around the slats on the headboard. It was a familiar game even if the positions were reversed so I willingly complied. From there Bucky went about the business of efficiently stripping my body. I was surprised that he did not stroke or touch the body that he had appreciated earlier.

When he grabbed the lube from my hand, he hesitated. I wasn't sure what his intentions were and was prepared to stop him if he decided to do something that would injure himself. It was a relief when he put the lube on his fingers and roughly shoved two inside me. The look of concentration on Bucky's face as he searched inside me was mesmerizing. When he found what he was looking for I almost howled before cutting it off with a strangled groan.

“That's amazing, Baby.”

**_You were so gentle with me my first time but me...I was an animal. No better than the scum at the prison. Can't believe you didn't hate me for what I did that night._ **

Bucky then knelt between my legs, pulled down his shorts and slicked himself with lube. “Tell me you don't want this,” he whispered. 

“But I do. I've always wanted this,” I replied catching his eye. “I just didn't think you did.”

It was true. I thought Bucky didn't find me attractive enough to want to fuck, but maybe he was too afraid to hurt me my in frail condition. Bucky's frail and bruised appearance would have made me afraid I would hurt him if our positions had been reversed that night.

Finally, he kissed me. It was almost chaste. Then I felt his blunt member breach my entrance. It hurt and burned as he entered me. “God, Steve,” Bucky whispered in my ear. “I do love you.”

“I love you, Baby,” I replied as I kissed him, this time it was more passionate.

I wrapped my legs around his thin waist as he buried himself in me. He reached down to touch me with the same steady rhythm he was setting. “Please Baby,” I moaned. “Please let me touch you.”

He stopped and looked unsure. Now I realized he was frightened. Then I couldn't stand the thought that he'd stop. “No. I can't. I can't,” he said and started to pull away from me. 

I easily held him in place with my legs and he buried his face in my neck. “Baby, it's OK,' I whispered. “You're so amazing. You're perfect.”

Buck, you can't believe anything happened that I didn't want to happen. That I couldn't have gotten away from you, turned the tables on you at any time. You were not an animal. As far as first times go I wouldn't have had it any other way. Baby, I thought I'd lost you and I would do anything to give any measure of relief or pleasure.

I breathed a sigh of relief when Bucky began to move again and turned my mouth to kiss his neck which elicited a deep groan from him. As his pace increased he reached between us to touch me. Without thinking, I reached up and put my hand in his hair. Instead of stopping me he reached his free hand to intertwine with mine and turned his face to kiss me. It was over soon after that. I would have yelled if his mouth hadn't have been covering mine. He collapsed on top of me shortly afterwards and allowed me to wrap my arms around him.

Even with the serum, I must have drifted off because I didn't notice Bucky get out of bed. My first thought was that of course he'd gotten up to go to Mass. It was the smoke from a cigarette that made me notice him sitting on the window sill.

“What's going on, Buck?” I asked, pulling a blanket around me. “You getting up to for Mass?” There was no way I was letting him go alone.

“Naw,” he said taking a slow drag as he concentrated on the snow. I'd never known Bucky to smoke, but there had been a lot of changes since last Christmas. Maybe he did smoke but was careful to hide it from me because of my asthma. “The only Hell is here on Earth.”

“Ok, how bout you come back to bed and I'll warm you up," I said hopefully. It would be a dream come true to spend Christmas all snuggled up in bed together.

“Steve, don't. You have to know this can't happen anymore. We can't happen anymore.”

“Of course we'll need to be careful, but Baby...”

Bucky glared at me. “It's over, Steve. It was fine when we were kids, but things are different now. You have a chance to be whoever you want, with whoever you want.”

“What are you talking about, Bucky?” He didn't see it. That he was my life.

“I've seen the way you look at her,” he said raising his hand to stop my protest. “You don't have to hide it from me. You shouldn't hide it from me. And for some unfathomable reason she looks at you the same way.”

“Peggy?” I asked stunned. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen but certainly it was impossible she would be interested in me. “It's not like that...and besides...I'm in love with you, Jerk.”

“Don't be stupid, Steve,” he said sharply. “This was never going to end well. Even before the war we didn't have a future together and you know it. Why else do you think I was trying to find you a nice girl before I left?” I was stunned. Though his actions before he shipped out should have made it obvious how he felt about our relationship.

“So what now?” I asked. “We pretend we don't know each other.”

He took another drag then ground out the cigarette. “Don't be so dramatic, Steve. You're my best friend and will always be my best friend. That's all it can be. Can you do that?”

“I don't know,” I replied as I joined him at the window. “Seems like you wanted more than friendship from me earlier.”

“I'm sorry about that,” he said. “I justed needed... Doesn't matter anyway. The guys have lived through Hell with me...they have my back but Steve, you're going to have to earn their respect. Prove yourself to them.”

“Rescuing them from a Nazi prison doesn't get me anything?”

“It's a start. Half of them look at you as a “Chorus Girl” and you can't do anything to make them think you're anything less than a red-blooded All American Boy. Peggy certainly doesn't hurt.”

With a grin, I remarked, “I thought you liked the outfit.”

Bucky turned to scowl out the window, concentrating on keeping his eyes off of me. “I was drunk. Do you really think they are going to let people think that their creation, Captain America, is a fairy?” He looked at me with sad, tired, eyes. “No. The minute you let them experiment on you, you were their property. And you may be able to do whatever you want because you're special but what about the rest of us?”

“What do you mean, Buck?”

He turned to look at me. “There is some resentment that you were the one chosen in the first place and if anyone found out about us, they'd use that against you. I for one don't want to be looking over my shoulder especially since I've got to cover your stupid ass.”

“You could go home, Buck. You have that option after what you went through."

He slid off the window sill and turned to face me, still keeping me at arms length. “You know that's not going to happen. But you have to do your part. Keep the enemy in front of you and don't give anyone a reason to doubt you. If you won't do it for yourself, can you at least do it for me?” It never occurred to me that Bucky could be in danger from our own men. They adored him. But they were all hard men, Bucky included, and they might turn on him if they even suspected he was queer.

I couldn't deny that he made sense. Now we would be under constant scrutiny. Part of my agreement with Col. Phillips was that a news reel producer would be attached to our unit. I had also been warned that if my crew did not work out they would be replaced by other soldiers. “So until the war is over...”

“If by the time the war is over, you have not put a ring on that girl's finger,” he said with a gin. “Then I might have to do it myself. You did see that red dress? Wow.”

I laughed and Bucky seemed more relaxed. “Well, do you want to go get some breakfast or something?,” I asked, not really knowing how to act in our new relationship. Before we would have gone back to bed and held each other, even if we didn't have energy for another round.

“It's only just past midnight and the mess doesn't open til six,” Bucky said thoughtfully. “But you could give me my chocolates, punk.”

I handed the large package I'd brought to him and he grabbed the small one he'd toss at me earlier from the bed side table. “It's not much, but something you really need,” he said apologetically, as I opened it.

Inside the box was a compass. “You would have had us walking in circles if it hadn't been for Jones.” I noticed he had placed a picture of Peggy on the other side.

“It's beautiful, Bucky,” I replied. As soon as I got a chance I planned to place a picture of him underneath it. “Open yours!”

Bucky tore off the paper with a vengeance as he always did. I remember his mother protesting this since she was planning on re-using paper but he never could restrain himself. When he pulled out the blue coat and held it up, I knew the color was perfect because it reflected the blue of his eyes. “Come on. Put it on.”

When he did, it hung loosely on him. He had lost more weight than I realized while he was captured. "But what about my chocolate?" he asked with a pout.

"Check the pockets," I said as I tried to resist tugging on that bottom lip. I hadn't found but a handful of sweets but the look on Bucky's face as he allowed one to melt in his mouth made the search worthwhile.

"Thank you, Steve," he said with a soft smile. "Merry Christmas."

Then he surprised me with a chocolatey kiss and pulled away. "Merry Christmas, Buck," I replied and placed my head on his shoulder. 

We stood for a moment with our arms around each other before he whispered, "There's a train heading north at five. I think you should be on it."

That's where we left things that Christmas. When I got back to London you and the Commandos were thick as thieves and already a unit. As an Officer I felt like I was on the outside looking in much of the time. But I was happy you had friends that would watch your back while you were watching mine.

 ** _I thought forcing you to see what I was would make you give up on me. Boy, you are stubborn. My talk must have sunk into that thick head because after Christmas, you seemed to grow more and more involved with Peggy. Once we got out in the field, It was easy for me to stick to the shadows and watch your back. I was already a ghost._**  

I remember how still Bucky would become when he was at his post. The blue coat I'd given him for Christmas made him invisible in the dense fir forests. He was on his way to becoming the Winter Soldier long before he fell from the train and if anyone had made him a world class assassin, it was me.

_**I don't have many memories of what happened after London. Most of the good memories are from those days with the Howling Commandos. There were times when I actually felt like we could win. That we could make it home. That's the affect you have on people, Steve. You inspire them. You give them hope. But you have to quit doing stupid things that could get yourself killed. At least wait til I'm there to watch your back.** _

Then get your ass home, you jerk. 

_**Seriously, if I could have one thing for Christmas it would be for you to be happy, Steve. I know you think finding me will accomplish that but it won't. I'm still working things out in my head and, when it come down to it, I'm not the same guy who left Brooklyn all those years ago. The person you loved was killed long** **before I fell from that train. He died at Azzano before Zola got his sweaty paws on me.** _

He's not dead, Bucky. I saw glimpses of him on the front, not to mention your convincing performance last Christmas when you didn't even know who you were. No, you haven't changed as much as you think.

**_What I'm really asking for is some time. Just some time to think, to find myself without having to worry about how my actions are affecting you. I promise I'm done seeking revenge from Hydra. Once it finally sunk in that you were alive, I haven't had the urge. So do you think you can do that? Just give me some time?_ **

It was going to be hard. To just give up what had been the driving force in my life for the last year but for Bucky's sake I would try. "As long as you stay out of trouble, Baby."

**_And maybe next year, if things go right, we can meet for a drink. In the mean time, Steve, you need to live your life. Don't tie your future to the ghosts of the past._ **

**_Merry Christmas & Happy New Year,_ **

**_James_** **_Buchanan Barnes_ **

****I put the letter into the top drawer of my dresser. Tomorrow I would let Sam know that the search for Bucky was being suspended. One thing was certain. I was not giving up on a future with Bucky. And if he thinks I will, then he's just not remembering how stubborn I've been my entire life.

"Merry Christmas, Baby," I say as I look out the window. "I love you." My soul feels lighter than it has all year and I am now in the mood to celebrate with my friends. I think I'll go upstairs and spread some Christmas cheer.

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I gaze up at the tower not far from Grand Central Station. It says the word STARK on it. When I read the name, there's a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've seen Steve. Watched him leave the post office and run into the building. Part of me wants to just march in there and find him. But the name Stark does funny things to my mind. If I stay here much longer the darkness will overwhelm me and I will no longer have control of my actions. No. It's better to leave now. I hadn't planned to be here, fully intending to mail the letter from Berlin last week. I panicked when I found myself at at the apartment in Brooklyn I'd left the previous Christmas Eve. Was he looking for Steve? Planning on completing his mission? What was worse was I found the letter I'd written in my jacket pocket then had to scramble to get it mailed without being discovered. Maybe it was a mistake to mail it, but I just hope Steve knowing I'm OK will allow him to finally move on and quit worrying about me. I just want him to be happy, even if it is with someone else. 

"Merry Christmas, Stevie," I say as I look up at the tallest windows of the building. "I love you."  As I turn to leave I find some chocolates and a piece of paper in my pocket. He likes chocolates too and I wonder where he picked them up. The paper is a note, written in Russian, letting me know there is a Polish freighter leaving tomorrow evening from Port Newark.  I take one last look at the illuminated windows then turn to walk away, heading to wherever the Winter Soldier has decided we will go next and hoping we both can find some peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Steve and Bucky ever find their happy ending? Maybe next year(2016).

**Author's Note:**

> So who do you suppose sent Steve that Christmas card? Stay tuned for Chapter 2.


End file.
